Could I be autistic after all?

This video got me thinking and those thoughts have turned into a very long blog where I overshare and use a lot of words that don’t really lead to a conclusion!

Could I be autistic as well as having ADHD?

When first suggested to me at age 48, the ADHD explanation surprised me because I love lists and spreadsheets and order. And I hate clutter – it stresses me out big time! However, looking back at my childhood and early adulthood struggles it made sense, and I assumed my orderly obsession was a mechanism I had developed to cope. Now I am less sure!

When I was a little kid in the 1970s autism was barely on the radar, never mind ADHD. In my case, Autism was dismissed fairly early on. Those around me knew something was amiss but hoped I’d grow out of it. I never did – I just learned to better hide the crazy and act more normal. I think everyone must have realised on some level that my ‘tantrums’ as a 12yr old were more than me just being a brat. They were out of control and they scared me. I was horribly ashamed of my meltdowns – it is like being possessed and I’d say some pretty nasty things and break things.

Perhaps because I turned my frustration to self abuse (verbal mostly, and less often physical) and because I was able to contain much of it to the home I never got in enough trouble for any kind of intervention to be called for. Also it was the 1980s!

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Competition versus Care

Something I am constantly struggling with is the balance between competition and care. I enjoy research and writing, and if I am to ever to land my dream job of a professorship (or permanent academic post) I recognise the need to publish and take credit for leading or collaborating in various activities. I choose to focus on doing what I feel is worthwhile first and foremost, rather than building a CV for myself.

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Wellbeing & Mental Health in Academia

It is important not to compare yourself to carefully curated personas. Professional profiles and CVs are not the place to disclose weaknesses, failures, mistakes, or illnesses. However, these are elements of real life and we should not be ashamed of them. We are all human and imperfect. Mental illness in particular is stigmatised, and although attitudes are changing for the better, the damaging and unforgiving culture of perfectionism persists.

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Don’t take it personally

I shared this in a private group at the beginning of term, but I think it is too important to forget. It is something I have to keep reminding myself.

To anyone who needs to hear this: your essay is not YOU. Neither is it a reflection of your self-worth or your potential to write something much better. A grade is simply a measure of the standard you are currently writing at. Nothing more. It says nothing about your potential to write at a much higher standard. Some students will start the MA already able to write at distinction level, while others have a way to go and many obstacles in their path. Remember that and focus on your own journey. Use feedback to improve current and future pieces of work, and never take criticism of your work personally. Even the best writers sometimes can produce poor quality work, and nothing is ever beyond improvement. You will be emotionally and professionally invested in the success of an essay or manuscript, but it is still important not to view its success or failure as an extension of yourself.

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