This video got me thinking and those thoughts have turned into a very long blog where I overshare and use a lot of words that don’t really lead to a conclusion!

Could I be autistic as well as having ADHD?

When first suggested to me at age 48, the ADHD explanation surprised me because I love lists and spreadsheets and order. And I hate clutter – it stresses me out big time! However, looking back at my childhood and early adulthood struggles it made sense, and I assumed my orderly obsession was a mechanism I had developed to cope. Now I am less sure!

When I was a little kid in the 1970s autism was barely on the radar, never mind ADHD. In my case, Autism was dismissed fairly early on. Those around me knew something was amiss but hoped I’d grow out of it. I never did – I just learned to better hide the crazy and act more normal. I think everyone must have realised on some level that my ‘tantrums’ as a 12yr old were more than me just being a brat. They were out of control and they scared me. I was horribly ashamed of my meltdowns – it is like being possessed and I’d say some pretty nasty things and break things.

Perhaps because I turned my frustration to self abuse (verbal mostly, and less often physical) and because I was able to contain much of it to the home I never got in enough trouble for any kind of intervention to be called for. Also it was the 1980s!

I knew my failures to speak in a group setting were more than mere shyness – as a kid I really wanted to join in the banter and play, but was constantly watching from the outside wishing I could. To compensate I guess, had an intense imaginary world where I was the socially outgoing and popular person I wished I always was. With my childhood best friend, and around people I felt comfortable with. I could be the bubbly chatter box I felt I really was. But in many situations I wanted to express myself but somehow could not. That still happens and I am nearly always on the outside looking in – present, sometimes included, but never part of the inner group.

I discovered alcohol when I was 13 and it helped me be more social and outgoing. However, I think the depression in my mid to late 20s stemmed from knowing and hiding from myself the fact that I was often perceived as annoying, weird, and not well-liked (sober or drunk!). I do pick up on social cues – I just don’t always notice or process them in time. Often I don’t know how to response appropriately – or I know but feel unable to act it out properly.

I am also acutely aware when people perceive me as stupid or when my thoughts come across and messy and muddled. This then triggers either ‘freezing’ or my mouth to start spiting out random disorganised thoughts in a panic. I also forget and trip over words when rattled. As an academic that is challenging me the most – and this is where the ADHD diagnosis is really helping me in terms of confidence and self-acceptance. And when I am feeling confident and self-assured people seem to understand what I am trying to communicate!

By my late teens I had learned to save most of my ‘crazy’ for my boyfriends and I spent my 20s trying to be ‘normal’ – again, probably because I was never arrested or got too into drugs and alcohol, intervention and help were never offered. I think horses saved me from going down a self-destructive path, although that world damaged me in other ways. Likewise, my obsession with academic studies and building a career both saved me and harmed me.

I have learned over the year that being able to retreat to my own space is essential to my mental health, and too much socialising is highly stressful. At academic conferences I faired much better when I had my own room to retreat to and regenerate. However, I do like group work and being part of a team. I can function and navigate interpersonal relationships in this context.

While I embraced my ‘loner’ status long ago, I still craved friendship (and still do) but was never able to fully make or keep proper friends. And my social life fell away once I calmed down on the partying. I’ve mostly depended on a series of boyfriends (the only kind of emotionally intimate relationship I seem able to develop!) to provide a social life and pseudo friends. Now I recognise the energy required to seek and maintain friends holds me back. And rejection avoidance! I do not take rejection (or perceived rejection) well. Learning rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) and the link to ADHD was a pivotal moment in understanding myself better, even if it took a while to accept.

Since my 30s I started relating more and more to autistic symptom, especially in regards to my meltdowns and hyper-focus. However, self-diagnosis never quite fitted. Probably the most non-autistic trait is my abstract thinking and that I never take things literally. Also, I do get social cues – I just miss them when I am not paying attention, or realise too late. I am socially clumsy and oblivious a lot of the time. However, at other times I become acutely aware and ashamed of how obnoxious, insensitive, or uncaring I come across.

The binge-eating disorder, which I have struggled with on and off most of my adult life, and my ‘almost anorexic’ obsessive dieting phases could be easily connected to ADHD. Most of the impulsive and often risky work and relationship decisions I made though my 20s make better sense. The fact that stimulants – caffeine, nicotine, speed ( a few times), and now prescription Ritalin – can calm me and help me focus now makes more sense.

But not everything fits neatly into place. I play with my eyebrows and those ribbed sleeve cuffs as some sort of self-loathing mechanism – that’s a bit like stimming, right? And I make weird noises that have gotten worse since leaving a co-working environment. Could my ‘OCD-like’ traits – compulsions to do rituals (and stress when suppressed), magical thinking, and intrusive thoughts – be autism? I don’t really suffer from OCD, and a full diagnosis was never given. It is more of a stress response, and although the rituals can on occasion get a bit out of hand and cause mild distress, it really does not interfere with my life in any significant way.

And does it really mater?

I have spent most of my life wondering what was wrong with me and trying to fit in and hide my faults. Any explanation or new label won’t change that.

I don’f feel let down by family or the school system for not being diagnosed or helped as a kid. It was a different time, and a label probably would have been more of a burden than a help. However, I do wonder how my life might have been different if I were born in this millennium. I think all this neurodivergent community great and a part of me desperately wants to belong.